A Friendly Reminder – What Not To Say/Do To Couples Trying To Conceive

Most of us have been there. We share our journey with well-meaning family and friends and for one reason or another, they end up saying/asking/doing something innocent that irritates or even upsets us. It’s not really their fault and nobody’s to blame but since they’ve never experienced this side of infertility, sometimes they just need a little bit of a reminder on how to tread lightly and be more tactful. Henceforth, I’ve created a list of “What Nots” below for family members and friends to share:

Questions not to ask:

“What’s wrong with you?”
This is probably one of the most insensitive questions someone can ask. TTC couples feel bad enough as it is already. They may even blame themselves for the infertility and this question puts the blame squarely on them and only makes them feel worse. In some instances, it may not even be something wrong with either partners, it could be the embryos themselves. I would avoid asking this question at all but if you have a close enough relationship with the couple and think they’d be OK with it, then asking “Have you guys found out what might be the issue?” would work better than bluntly asking “Have you found out what’s wrong with you?” as if you are a defected good.

“Have you done IVF yet?” or “Have you transferred the embryos yet?”
Most people don’t realise that these questions are similar to asking “Are you guys trying?” or “Are you pregnant yet?” Nowadays, nobody likes being asked these questions because as soon as people find out, they’ll automatically have expectations that something will or will not happen soon and this creates unnecessary anticipation and stress on the TTC couple. If the couple want to say, they’d say it on their own accord.

Things not to say:

“Relax” / “Don’t stress and it will happen.”
This is one of my personal pet peeves. We know about the whole relax thing and some of us are actually quite good at it. By telling us the obvious is irritating and actually puts more stress on us. So please, don’t tell us what we know already. We’re already handling it. On the other hand, whilst stress can play a role in conceiving, a couple’s infertility may be due to other factors. Genetic or chromosomal issues, blood clotting issues, autoimmune issues, hormone issues or egg and sperm issues are usually the main culprits and if this is the case, “it will not just happen” no matter how relaxed you are.

“So and so got pregnant naturally after they gave up [like 10 years later].”
Good for them. Whilst this may be true for some, it won’t be true for others. It really depends on what the underlying issue is. And personally, as crazy as it sounds, I do not want to miraculously get pregnant in 10 year’s time. I will be 45 by then and really do not want to be running after a 5 year old when I’m 50. DH and I are a very open-minded couple. If we don’t end up having our own kids in the next few years then we’re open to adopt. There are plenty of babies out there needing loving families and that is what we can give.

“How relieved you are for not being pregnant.”
This is a pretty obvious one especially if you’re saying it to someone that you know is trying. However, it happens A LOT and unfortunately sometimes, some people are not quite as switched on as you think!

“All my husband had to do was sneeze and we got pregnant.”
Bragging about how fertile you are is an obvious no-go but sometimes, people become so self-absorbed that they forget that this could be insensitive to others.

“You know many people go on to have successful pregnancies after a miscarriage?”
Yes, we know that thanks very much but do you know how long some of us have been trying to get pregnant in the first place? That miscarriage was probably someone’s first pregnancy in years or only chance at getting pregnant.

Things not to do:

Complain endlessly about your kids. 
We get it, being parents is stressful. But when you complain non-stop about parenthood in the company of TTC couples, you can understand why we’d become irritated. At least you’re parents!

Talk endlessly about your own pregnancy/kids.
I once attended a girls dinner in which one friend was pregnant, one already had a kid and one was single but hadn’t arrived yet. Whilst we were waiting for our final friend to arrive, all my two friends talked about was pregnancy and babies and nothing else. It was OK for the first 10-15 mins but as it continued for a whole 30 odd minutes (whilst I sat silently), I started to wonder if the entire dinner was going to be on this topic and wished I hadn’t turned up. I was actually quite disappointed at my friends at the time. They knew about our situation but seemed quite insensitive to it at the time. So my advice is, if you’re at a gathering with TTC couples, please make an effort to keep the conversation diverse. If you want to focus only on pregnancy and kids, it would be better to organise a separate gathering for that, without the TTC couple.

Bring religion into it. 
Unless you share the same faith with the TTC couple or know that they are religious, this is an area to tread carefully. DH and I are both atheists and believe in science. Our personal belief is that religious beliefs will not fix the issue without the help of science or “physical action”. We take control of our own lives and we wouldn’t have gotten the answers and progressed to where we are today if it weren’t for our own actions.

Disclaimer:
*This blog contains some graphic language. Read at your own risk
*Contents of this blog are based on my personal opinion and own experiences and in no way represents professional medical advice. Please exercise your own judgement when making decisions.

Love, Hope, Jabs and Probes Copyright 2017